In Lieu Of A Pity Party

My husband, Charlie O’Neill was the best thing that has ever happened to me.                                                             312

It was because of him, that all my other blessings came to me.

He went Home 2/7/11. It was 2 days before his 61st birthday. This year I became older than he had a chance to be. I feel some survivor’s guilt about that. Even though I know it is irrational.

I am realizing that the guilt comes from the fact that he tried harder than I ever would have, to hold on to this life. He endured more than I ever would.

He wanted to be here, more than I ever cared to stay. I would not have tried so hard. I would have surrendered much sooner, to the inevitability that we all temporary citizens.

Part of his legacy is that he did enjoy his life until his last quiet breath. He had friends over, played music, was surrounded by family, said what he wanted to say and went peacefully with Marty and I there.

It is impossible to articulate how I feel about our lovely life together.

I use to look forward to February. I would plan his birthday. It was a bright spot in the middle of the dreary winter.

Now, I find that in December, I start dreading February. It lurks in the shadows like an impending dentist appointment.

In January, I start to plan my escape into grief. I plan to allow myself a couple of days to separate from everyone and wallow in my grief.  I take time off work, stay off the internet and cell. I fall into darkness and once again have to find the light without him.

This year, I am revisiting that strategy.

He and I are forever vibrationally linked through love.

When I succumb to grief, my vibration is so low that he can’t connect with me, the way he does when I am in a better space.

He can only lower his vibration so much and I am under that threshold when in depression. So, just when I need to feel him with me, the most, I can’t. I have created a lose/ lose situation.

Lately, he has started to inspire me to consider a better way. To consider that it doesn’t make sense to dread something for months when February 7th will come and go anyway.

He wants me to stop planning to withdraw and grieve. Unless, I make a purposeful decision to stay in the light, I keep ripping off the band aide and never heal. Feeling depressed does not honor him. Living in love and light, does.

I am reminded to start sending my positive energy ahead, to that date. To just keep moving, don’t stop, don’t dwell, look for something to inspire me to the next step, the next moment, the next breath.

Grief is real and it is a bitch. If I allow that to remain my only truth, I am choosing pain.

My new truth is Grief is real. It is a bitch. I don’t have to stay there.

I am going to try my best, to stay in the light.

If I choose to practice what I preach about change, so many other options will open up for me.

The love of my life is still my favorite teacher as he inspires to simply do the next right thing.




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